That of course was completely unattainable. Probably due to the fact that such men, although do exist, come with their set of challenges and insecurities… such as, but not limited to: socio-economic restrictions, b*tchy mothers, drug problems, commitment problems and other insecurities in which the hotness of your girl/car/watch is directly correlated to your level of success.
If there is in fact a unicorn out there, there is rid of all these vices, then I most certainly have not come even close to finding him. I also knew that unfortunately I was not borne with that ‘hotness’ gene… “upstairs” they also seemed to have misplaced my “height” gene along with my “long leg” and “perfect teeth” genes. I knew I would have to work harder for male attention. In my mind that was easily fixable with three things – clothes, shoes and my sense of humour. Clothes would make me cool (obvs) and so I would be the cool funny girl – my own little niche.
So my life of excess and credit ticked on… as I wondered through my twenties.. mostly hungover… mostly under-ambitious, living a life that was somewhat in between Sex and the City and the remake of Absolutely Fabulous. Somewhere in the middle I managed to get a personal loan, you know, to pay off the credit card and get my finances under control… but as always, life got in the way.. loan money was spent and the credit card was alive and kicking, getting fatter by the day.
The saddest part is that I don’t really remember what I spent that loan money on… I know there was a trip to Cannes for a weekend and a bill for a table at one of those Love Brunches…because you know… go hard or go home! £500 was half of the bill which I split with another mate partly because I was drunk and partly because we were the only trainwrecks stupid enough to do such a thing.
So to summarise… I pissed away a £10,000 loan on devil knows what, with nothing to show for it… what I do remember is the next 2 years that it took me to pay it off…payments that were at times crippling.. and yet I still hadn’t learnt my lesson.
In hindsight, I guess my biggest problem back then was that I was a “yes woman”. I would get terrible FOMO at the prospect of missing a night out, a girls dinner, a trip somewhere warm, annual pilgrimage to Ibiza, friends’ weddings overseas… all of which yet again called for a new outfit, a new swimsuit, new shoes and new sunglasses… because, you know, if it ain’t on Instagram – it never happened… and I won’t be caught dead wearing the same thing on Instagram… I mean DUUUUHHHH!!??!!